I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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