No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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