sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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