Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
