at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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