my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
