ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
