forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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