So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
