So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
