Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
