since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
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