Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
