The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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