I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
