YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
