ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
