I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
