I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
