Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
