I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
