yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
