if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
