Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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