I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
