There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
It's never too late to be topless.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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