mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
