watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
