Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
