In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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