I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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