so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
