i love accidental penises.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
