There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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