Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
