my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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