um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
