I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
