you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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