I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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