Betty ford says i'm here all night
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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