I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
