WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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