I wish I could teleport
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize
