i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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