I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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