I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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