Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
