I wish my penis had an off switch
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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