That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
ok first of all what the fuck
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
