I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
