my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
