I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
no you cant smoke seaweed
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
